Desensitization
by Amarissia
Summary: Movie 5 flashback-based. Gii just wants to be with Takumi, to make him used to being touched. He couldn't have anticipated how Takumi would react. Rated M, please see warnings inside.


_Hello, this is not my first fanfic, by far, but it is my first foray into the Takumi-kun fandom. The idea behind this short is as follows - remember the flashback scene in movie 5, Gii's little attack that eventually leads to Takumi's phobia being cured? Well, it was lucky that it turned out that way, because as he didn't know the cause of the phobia, Gii could have actually made Takumi much worse. This story explores a different possible outcome, the possibility that Takumi could have reacted badly. You'll see what I mean._

_The Takumi-kun story and characters belong to whatever brilliant mangaka created them. No infringement is intended._

_For the zero of you who may not be aware, "Niisan" is what Japanese people call their older brothers._

_Warning - rated M for angst, non-con themes, and mention of rape. All ye unsquicked, please continue on._

**DESENSITIZATION**

Takumi's mouth was so soft. Gii knew it was probably wrong of him to feel this way, but something about the boy, so still and vulnerable in sleep, turned him on, sapped the control that he'd needed to maintain since first encountering Takumi again here at Shidou. And it was definitely wrong to pounce on him while he was helpless like this, but he couldn't help it, and only continued to kiss him.

After only a few teasing seconds, Gii found himself abruptly shoved back, and his love looking at him with wide, frightened eyes. He wondered if Takumi had really woken that quickly, or if he'd been only pretending to be asleep. _To avoid me._

"Don't do that, Gii. What do you - "

The decision was made in an instant, like a taut string of rope, stretched for months, finally breaking. Gii jumped on Takumi, pinning him down and capturing his lips until Takumi wrenched his mouth away.

"It's okay, Takumi, I've figured it out. This is the way to do it."

"What - "

Gii seized his mouth again, pushing his tongue past the parted lips. Takumi was too kind to bite him, and after a few shocked moments only turned his head again. Undeterred, Gii moved his mouth to the smooth flesh of his neck, sampling the skin he had been craving since before he knew what sex was, or love.

"No, please!"

"Stop saying you don't want to. You know it too, this is the only way. Just relax, I won't do anything that will hurt."

But the way Takumi was flinching, it almost seemed like this _was_ causing him pain. Resolving to end that, to make him feel good, Gii roughly held his squirming arms down by the wrists and put his face against the warm neck again. He could feel the boy's pulse racing, and suspected it wasn't yet from excitement. _Is it me? Is it so bad being pulled in by me?_ He kissed and licked the skin as gently as he could, willing Takumi to calm down so he could enjoy this.

"No, no!"

"It's just me. You know I'd never hurt you."

Looking down at Takumi's terror with a reassuring smile, Gii carefully transferred his hold of the thin wrists to one hand, and slipped his free hand under Takumi's T-shirt to slowly caress his flat stomach. Takumi's chest heaved with the heavy, gasping breaths he was beginning to take, and he shook his head slowly back and forth, seeming stunned, like he couldn't believe what was happening.

"Takumi. It's okay, it's me. I love you. I can help you if you let me."

"No no no, don't, I can't, please - "

The broken sound of his pleas struck Gii like a fist. _No point turning back now, though._ He leaned in again to kiss Takumi, feeling triumphant when, at first, Takumi kissed back. After only a moment, though, the struggle resumed. Gii leaned to the side to whisper in his ear, trying to be both seductive and comforting.

"Ssh, Takumi."

Takumi made an alarmed, choking sound as he inhaled a lungful of air. The noise of his breathing immediately became louder, and the faint trembling doubled in intensity. Gii was alarmed enough to pull back, and when he saw the amount of fear in the boy's bulging eyes, he instinctively let go and showed his hands as though in surrender. He expected Takumi to quiet instantly and anger to shine through his usual shy sweetness at last, but instead the boy seemed not to know the perceived danger had passed. He continued to shake and gasp, and worst of all was the way his eyes stared, as if he wasn't seeing Gii at all.

"Takumi! I'm sorry, look, I'll stop, okay, just calm down. Please, you're scaring me."

No sign he'd been heard. Gii gently placed his hands on the quaking shoulders, and Takumi violently shoved him back again. When Gii recovered, he saw that Takumi was curled against the bed's headboard, and tears were streaming down his cheeks.

_Oh my God, what have I done?_

"Takumi - "

"Don't! Please, Niisan, I don't know what I did wrong but stop!"

_Niisan? _Gii hadn't even been aware Takumi had an older brother.

"Takumi, it's me, Gii! What's wrong?"

"Please," the boy whimpered. He was gasping so hard he could barely speak. "Please don't hurt me anymore."

In the midst of his confused horror, Gii remembered something, the pills Takumi sometimes took when he was unusually stressed or having trouble breathing. He leaped off the bed and tore through the bedside drawer till he found them. He quickly shook one into his hand, and wondered how the hell he was going to manage this. He knew Takumi could dry-swallow them, but how to get it into his mouth?

"Takumi, you need to take this, okay, it'll make you feel better."

His return to the bed just seemed to make things worse. Takumi shrank into himself, continuing to whisper, "Please, Niisan, don't hurt me anymore."

_It's the last thing he needs, but I can't think of any other way._

Gii put the small white pill into his own mouth, grabbed Takumi's head and forced their lips together. When Takumi opened his lips to protest, Gii pushed his tongue inside to deposit the pill, then clapped his hand over Takumi's mouth, muffling his cries.

"Takumi, swallow, it'll help."

Whether because he ordered it or by accident, the medicine went down. Gii wondered how fast it would work and prayed it would be soon. He'd seen Takumi freaked out before - the incident with that asshole Nozaki hadn't been long ago - but nothing like this bad.

"Niisan, _please_..."

"My God, what did your brother do to you?" Gii murmured.

"It...hurts...it hurts...please...stop - "

A tired confusion spread over Takumi's beautiful face. Gii almost screamed when his eyes rolled upward, then closed, and he slumped down unmoving on the bed.

"Takumi! Takumi!"

He pulled the smaller boy to lay across his lap, touching his chest in panic and bending to press his ear to Takumi's nose. He was breathing, Gii shuddered with relief to realize, breathing normally again, but completely limp, like he'd fallen into a deep sleep. Cuddling Takumi with one arm, Gii grabbed his cell phone, punched the second listing on his speed dial, and spoke rapidly as soon as it was answered.

"Shouzo, I need the nurse in my room now!"

"Understood." Never one to waste words, Akaike immediately disconnected.

Gii dropped the expensive phone on the floor and held Takumi close to him with both arms, Takumi's head resting on his shoulder and soft, even breaths warming his skin. Gii hadn't cried since he was seven and had hit his head on a bar counter on his father's yacht, but a few tears escaped now and dampened the hair he pressed his face into.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please be okay, I'll do anything, I'll never touch you again if that's what it takes. Takumi, did your brother cause your phobia? What did he do to you?"

Gii never afterward knew how long he was sitting there, weeping apologies. At some point, he heard rapid footsteps outside and the door opened without a knock, and Nurse Himiko hurriedly entered, a pretty woman of around thirty. Just behind her was Akaike, the reassuring presence of Shouzo, who blinked to see his friend's position but said nothing.

"Saki-kun, what happened?" she said, putting down her bag.

"It's Takumi, I...I came in and he was freaking out, breathing really hard and crying, he didn't seem to recognize me, I got him to take one of the pills he takes when he's really upset, but then he just - "

Himiko clasped Gii's shoulder, and the terrified babble ceased. "Okay. Put him down on the bed, please."

Gii was reluctant to let go, but he obeyed, hovering anxiously while the nurse examined Takumi. She checked his airway and heart, took his pulse, and nodded.

"He's fine. He just passed out."

"Wh-What happened?"

"You've never seen a panic attack?"

_I'm rich, every anxious person I know is on Valium_, Gii nearly snapped, then decided it wouldn't be helpful. Akaike came a little closer and briefly touched his best friend's arm.

"Thank you, Shouzo."

"Gii, what the hell happened?"

"I'm an idiot, that's what," Gii whispered.

"I doubt it's anything you did, dear," Himiko assured him as she put a thermometer in Takumi's mouth. "Hayama-kun was already having a bad day. Anemia can really take a toll on a person with an anxiety disorder."

The thermometer beeped, and she withdrew it. "As before, normal temperature."

"Will he be all right?" Akaike asked softly.

"He should wake up soon, possibly with a headache, but otherwise fine. I want him in the infirmary for a while, just in case."

"I'll bring him," Gii choked out, and gathered Takumi into his arms. _He's so light._

Himiko smiled knowingly. "You're a good...friend, Saki-kun."

_I'm a monster who will never be worthy of him._

_gtgtgtgt_

The nurse must have guessed what the two boys really were to each other, because when Gii begged to be allowed to remain in the infirmary, she gave him another knowing smile and permission to stay. Once he had gently put Takumi down on one of the cots and drawn the curtains around it for privacy, he sat down beside the bed and cradled one of Takumi's hands in his own, smoothing the soft skin with his fingers. It killed him, what he had done, and the contrast of his love's terror before with the peace on his face now.

_He's so perfect, so pure, in spite of whatever awful thing's been done to him. What right do I have to push my way into his life and disrupt that?_

"I love you," Gii said softly, knowing it was no answer. His cell phone rang (Akaike had picked it up off the floor), and Gii pulled it out of his pocket. "Shouzo?"

"Gii. I thought you might want to tell me what _really_ happened."

"You know me too well," Gii sighed. "I did something...really stupid."

"Again?"

"Hey! What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're always doing idiotic things. Remember the water balloon incident with Ishida-san?" Akaike asked dryly, referring to the vice president of his father's company.

"How was I supposed to know you filled it with fruit punch?"

"You ruined a ten thousand dollar suit."

"I was ten!"

"Then there was the incident with Nozaki," Akaike went on.

"What was I supposed to do?"

"It wasn't fair to Hayama to make him the subject of a bet about who gets to own him."

"I wan't trying to _own_ him." _Liar._ "I just had to make Nozaki leave Takumi alone. Maybe he wouldn't have if he hadn't transferred to another school, but I had to try. Anyway, even if he'd won, I wouldn't have given up Takumi to him."

"That's what I like about you, such a man of your word." Akaike's smirk was nearly audible. "So, what did you do this time?"

The light atmosphere abruptly gone, Gii's stomach twisted into painful knots. "It was...really bad, Shouzo."

"You love him, don't you? It can't have been so bad."

"It was the worst thing I could have done."

Akaike left a short pause. "I don't like where this is going, Gii. If you did what I'm thinking, then yes, you are an idiot."

"I just...I thought if I could get him used to being touched, he'd be okay."

"Gii, exactly how far did you go?" Akaike was beginning to sound slightly angry, a rare occurence.

_Of course, he's become Takumi's friend too._ "I kissed him, and I touched him a little. I wouldn't have done any more than that."

"Apparently, that was enough," Akaike scoffed, though he seemed relieved. "So, he had a panic attack."

"It was so terrifying. It was like he wasn't seeing me, like he was seeing..."

"Gii?"

"Shouzo, I need you to keep what I tell you a secret."

"You know I will. You need not ask."

Gii took a deep breath, gazing at the sleeping boy and wondering what on Earth could have made him into this. "It was like...he kept asking his brother to please stop hurting him."

A long silence.

"Shouzo, you there?"

"Fuck," Akaike said, in perfect English.

Gii blinked; he had never heard his best friend curse before, in any language. "What?"

"I was afraid it was something like this. It just wasn't my place to ask."

"Something like what? Shouzo, if you know something - "

"It's only a guess," the other boy sighed through the phone. "And I'm surprised it's one you haven't made too."

"Huh?"

"Gii, think about it. Hayama can't stand being touched. When you tried to handle him intimately, he had a flashback about his brother."

Despite Gii's reputation for intelligence, he wasn't particularly intuitive. It took a few moments of processing to realize what Akaike had implied, and when he did, Gii just slowly shook his head.

"No. Shouzo, _no_. Nobody could do that to Takumi."

"Why is that?"

"Because!" _Isn't it obvious?_ "No, nobody could...nobody could look at him and be able to hurt him."

"But, Gii, someone obviously did. I've researched Hayama's phobia. Its cause is usually prolonged sexual abuse."

Breathing heavily, Gii looked at Takumi with burning eyes. He wanted to fling his own body on top of Takumi's, not to touch him this time, just to hide him from everyone else's eyes and hands. Could it be? Was this why Takumi had been afraid of everybody, afraid of Nozaki? _Afraid of me._ He closed his eyes against the tears that were coming, and pressed Takumi's limp hand to his lips.

"Gii, do you need me to come down there?"

"No. Shouzo...it can't be true. That anyone...but his own brother?"

"Has Hayama ever mentioned any siblings to you?"

"No, but - "

"It makes sense, then, doesn't it?"

"Oh my God," Gii groaned, switching to English as he often did when he was distraught. "He's been dealing with this all alone, and what I did, God, I probably made him worse, he must _hate_ me - "

"Gii, Hayama does not hate you. The reason he panicked this aternoon when I was with him is that he's terrified he's going to lose you. He was begging me to tell him how to keep that from happening."

"...really?"

"Yes. I tried to tell him that he had nothing to worry about, but lack of self-esteem is another symptom. He thought you'd give up on him because he can't be physical with you."

"And I've given him further reason to believe that," Gii choked out. "God, Shouzo, I love him, I'd still love him even if never lets me touch him. What do I do, how do I fix this?"

"You and Hayama both...when did I become the faerie godfather of your relationship, Gii?" Akaike said lightly, then quickly returned to his usual solemnity. "You need to tell him what you just told me, and get him to believe it. You need to get him to admit the cause of his phobia."

"But...he doesn't want me to know."

"Then tell him you already know. I'm not saying it won't be awful for him, but Hayama would probably be relieved to confess this to you. Keeping it inside clearly hasn't worked for him."

"Then...what do I do? What do I say?"

"I can't answer that, Gii. You know Hayama better than I do."

_Does anybody know Takumi?_ "Thank you, Shouzo."

"You'll be fine. You've waited this long for him. You won't mess it up now."

The line went dead. With a heavy heart, Gii shoved his phone back into his pants. Takumi had not moved during the conversation, only continued to breathe quietly and remain unaware of Gii's wet eyes fixed on him and his hand being gently kissed. After a few minutes, Takumi frowned in his sleep and shifted slightly. Gii was prepared for anger, tears, another panic attack at any moment, but not what happened next.

Squeezing his closed eyes, Takumi parted his lips and whispered, "Gii..."

Gii quickly, regretfully put the hand he held down and edged a little bit away from the bed. "I'm right here."

"Gii?" Takumi's eyes blinked in confusion before opening. He looked dazedly around before his gaze found his roommate. "Where..."

"You're in the infirmary." Tensed to the point of near-pain, Gii expected anger and distance any moment. He couldn't leave to avoid it, knew he couldn't avoid Takumi even if the boy asked him to. "Do you remember? You had a panic attack. It was...a really bad one."

"Eh? Did I scare you? I'm sorry, Gii."

_What?_ "Why are _you_ apologizing to _me_? You've done nothing wrong. I was the one who...you do remember, don't you? What I did to you?"

Takumi sat up slowly, pulling his knees to his chest. It wasn't until then that, looking down, he quietly said, "Yes."

"I'm so, so sorry. Please, I'll do _anything_, just don't hate me."

"I could never hate you. Besides, it's my fault. I should be able to - "

"It's _not_ your fault," Gii said heatedly, edging closer and thanking every god that existed when Takumi didn't shrink away. "Nobody asks to be this way. Takumi, it was my fault. I just want to be with you, but I shouldn't have forced you."

"I want to be with you too, I really do. It's just..."

Takumi squeezed his knees closer, resting his chin on them. He looked so horribly alone and sad, but as much as he wanted to, Gii didn't dare touch him yet. He knew what he'd have to say, what Takumi needed to get out, what the real desensitization had to be. _But what if I end up pushing him further away?_

"Takumi, I think I know."

"Eh?"

"I think I know...what caused your phobia."

Gii held his breath, but Takumi didn't leap away or get angry, just froze with a fearful look in his eyes. His breathing became audible, but not like it had been earlier. Gii was suddenly reminded of all the splinters he'd gotten as a child, how they'd hurt, what a relief it was when they were pulled out. He had to remove this one from Takumi, even if the boy did end up hating him for it.

"H-How could you know?"

_Takumi, I'm sorry. I just can't leave you like this._

"During your panic attack, you...you kept saying, 'Niisan, please don't hurt me anymore.'"

With a whimper, Takumi pressed his face into his knees.

"Oh, Takumi."

The smaller boy murmured something Gii couldn't make out.

"What did you say?"

"Please don't hate me."

Without thinking about it, Gii moved closer to sit on the cot. "_What_? Takumi, I could never hate you, no matter what. I love you. Why would I hate you for something you had no control over?"

"My mother hates me."

Clenching his jaw, Gii resolved never to utter aloud exactly what he was thinking of Takumi's mother just then. The hurt in his love's voice broke his willpower more than beauty or vulnerability ever could, and he risked carefully placing one hand on Takumi's shoulder. No reaction, save a faint tremor.

"What did your brother do to you?"

The faint sound of soft sobbing escaped the cocoon Takumi was curled into. Gii moved his hand to the boy's hair, stroking the silky strands back from his hidden face. He waited a minute or two, as much to give Takumi time as to give himself a chance to push down his anger and revulsion.

"...did he touch you or did he rape you?"

"Both."

Shutting his eyes, Gii blindly folded his arms around Takumi and held him as close as he could without hurting him. To his surprise, Takumi stretched his legs out and hugged him back, burying his face against Gii's shoulder as he breathed unsteadily and trembled. Gii ran one hand reassuringly up and down the smaller boy's back, willing all this fear and unhappiness to go out of Takumi, to stop tormenting one who deserved to be joyful and adored.

"Baby, I'm so sorry. I will never let anyone else hurt you, I swear. I'll be with you as long as you'll let me and I'll never force you again, never."

"I love you, Gii."

"Takumi, I love you so much."

Gii held him close, thinking he'd be happy to stay in this position forever, so near to Takumi, permitted to hug him, only wishing it were under better circumstances. He didn't say any more, hoping his presence and his careful hands would soothe the one he loved more than clumsy words could. His patience paid off, Takumi eventually relaxed and his breathing returned to normal. Gii inhaled his faintly sweet scent and wondered if Takumi had gone back to sleep, when the curtain beside them was drawn open.

Gii looked up in alarm, knowing how this would look, but Takumi merely clung to him more tightly, and he was sure as hell not going to push him away. Nurse Himiko observed the pair, and the same smile as before crossed her face.

"Hayama-kun, how are you feeling?"

Now Takumi disentangled himself from a slightly disappointed Gii, looking up with a faint, adorable blush. "Um, much better, Sensei, thank you."

"Good. You can return to your room if you want. Just be sure to come back if you don't feel well later."

"Thank you, Sensei," Gii said, and meant it. "Takumi, can you stand?"

They walked the hallways back to the dorm in silence, but not an awkward one, more like they each knew what the other was feeling and had no need to say it. They didn't touch either, though they stuck close to each other. Gii was concerned that after Takumi's trying day he might collapse again, and even were he not worried, Gii never wanted them to be farther apart than they had to be.

When they got inside their room, Gii shut the door and turned to face Takumi, suddenly nervous, as though the boy had just been hiding his anger and hatred and was about to finally let it out. But no, it was just his Takumi there, shy and uncertain and trying very hard to summon a convincing smile. Gii went to him, waited for a nod of permission, and pulled him into another warm embrace.

"Thank you for telling me." A terrible thought occurred to Gii, making him draw back so quickly that his partner was frightened. "Takumi, are you safe at home? Does he still - "

"He's dead. He's been dead for years."

_Good, I hope it was painful._ Ashamed of the bitterness of his mental voice, Gii drew Takumi protectively back to him. The way Takumi snuggled against him, the way his nose tickled Gii's neck was such a turn-on, but Gii was resolved. He would keep his promise, he would go as slowly as Takumi needed, forever. He would never let himself be a reminder of Nozaki, or Takumi's brother.

Gii looked questioningly at the boy when he leaned back, examined the shy expression and the hands holding his for some clue about the next right thing to do. After a hesitant few moments, Takumi edged closer, and with a sigh let his lips meet Gii's. It was only maybe the third or fourth time they'd kissed (Gii refused to count his earlier mistake), and it was fairly chaste, sweet and slow and _enough_ for now. Takumi rested his hands on Gii's shoulders, Gii wrapped his arms around the slender waist, and when they separated, Gii grinned and Takumi managed a smile.

"How do you feel? Okay?"

"It's...weird, but I feel better."

_Shouzo, I owe you one._

**Okay, that's it. Cheesy though it is (that's kinda my thing), I hope it pleased. If any of you are interested, I do intend to write more in the Takumi-kun fandom, including a multi-chapter as well as some DaiMao. With plenty of appearances by Akaike and Misu. God, I love them.**

**Do please let me know what you thought. Thank you for reading.**


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